Put a dozen young girls in a room 6 days a week with only a mirror, give them a maze of hard physical exercises and ask them to compete. That was my life in the dance world, I’m no stranger to comparison/competition, it’s where I’m from! I experience it as a dance instructor today as well however I learned to live with the feeling that I’m not the best dancer, business owner, wife, mom, friend in the room, and make the most of it. It hasn’t always been easy but if you can flip it to be positive, you can turn comparison to inspiration. And thrive in it! Here are some of the observations that have helped me stay positive. I hope they can help you learn strategies to stop comparing yourself to others too!:)
1. The whole story
When you observe someone and you see that they are doing SO well (look at her job title!) or have something you want (look at her baby, bag, botox!), you don’t know how long they’ve been trying to get to where they are. I try to remember that I don’t know the whole story or what that person did or sacrificed to get there. Sometimes I see people in my fitness industry with triple the amount of locations or publicity, etc., but I don’t let it get me down because I don’t know the whole story.
What did they do to get there? Did they sacrifice a relationship or other dream? Did they give up things I haven’t given up? Would I want to? How many times did I see an actress in an amazing performance or in a high profile ad and think wow how lucky! Come to find out she was probably harassed by Harvey Weinstein and paid a steep price. We just don’t know what’s behind the scenes, not just in social media but in real life too.
You know what they say… the grass is always greener on the other side!
2. Someone else’s dream
You may not be aware, but you’re likely living someone else’s dream. Sometimes, when we see something we want “it’s my dream!”, the person living our dream, ironically, isn’t necessarily living their dream. We are always reaching for more without realizing what we already have. What?! For example, I remember once wishing so much that I lived in NYC, my own dream. When I went to visit a friend that lived there, she was not living her dream at all. She explained how much she hated the pollution, how inconvenient it was to live (in tears about grocery shopping) and co-exist with 8 million people. In my mind it’s still my dream but having that perspective is really key.
The other reality check for me was once I stopped dancing professionally I met with my friend and peer that had gone to ballet school with me that was still performing! I thought, I shouldn’t have quit, I should still be performing like her (she was a leading dancer), I could be her, I should be her! Then, she went on to tell me that she lived in poverty, housed by charity by an old couple (creepy man included) and had no social life or plan B if she got injured. She was making the most of it, but it really opened my eyes. That did not sound like my dream at all, I had made the right choice for me by leaving dance when I could and go to graduate school. It was a much needed reminder to stop comparing myself to others.
3. There will always be somebody with more stuff than you
The fundamental economic theory is “unlimited wants and needs”, it’s in our nature to want what other people have. No matter who you are, there will always be someone who can buy more and have more. Money past the point of basic security (food, health, shelter) only adds nice to haves or entertainment but certainly not peace, happiness, or love.
When I see someone that has something I can’t have, I think about when I get material goods that I really want and can actually get. What happens? I get them and usually forget about them, the thrill is gone, the fulfillment is not lasting. Even if I could have that (yacht, Hamptons spread, or Dior saddle bag) I would likely become desensitized to it, stop seeing it all together! I don’t become desensitized with my time with friends and family and the feeling I get when I inhale my kids, everything else is noise (maybe fun entertaining noise but still noise).
4. Don’t wait to love it before you lose it
Nothing is guaranteed, our possessions, family, physical and mental gifts. It could all be gone tomorrow. I have had some close calls where I think of what I take for granted and the realization is never pretty. Finding inspiration in others is great but finding inspiration in what you already have is truly the secret of being confident and more importantly, happy. Don’t wait to enjoy all the things in YOUR life right now; the real connections and gifts that many, many, others wish they had.
All we can really do is work on ourselves and train our mind and hearts to be genuinely happy for other people because as the saying goes: “Be kind, you never know what someone is going through.” Despite their “appearance” so stop comparing yourself when you have your own gifts to offer. Need some tips on how to boost your own self confidence? Click here! Wishing you all all the self love in the world. If you guys have any tips on how to stop comparing yourself to others please share them in the comments:) XO, Z
Photography by Frank Rocco/New York City (my dream ;))
