I always remember going back to school, looking around and thinking how much everyone had changed physically. It’s wonderful to have kids in school where I can get this feeling again and think of how little the grade below them looks and impossibly huge the grade above appears. Even though the physical changes in my social circle aren’t as dramatic as theirs, the mental changes that occur over the summer are still there! This summer was super special because my boys are at a really fun age and I got to travel more than I have since having kids (not having anyone literally attached or in my body). There are always lessons to have be had, good & bad, and these are some of the things that I learned on my summer adventures.
1) You need to run away with your significant other
This is easier said then done and sometimes the resources or reality (nursing or job demands) don’t allow it. Sometimes, the furthest you’re gonna run away is to dinner when the kids are asleep and that’s fine! I think what I really felt more than ever is how important it is to have the environment in which you can coherently share ideas, dreams, fears with your SO. Most of the time we are shouting instructions to one another; “get so and so from school”, “don’t forget the wine!”, “throw me the diaper cream”, “change the wet sheets!”, “where is Henrick?!” We mean well but when you’re so busy and each person in the relationship has significant career demands and crazy schedules, it’s easy to become dysfunctional, sleep-deprived roommates. I had the chance to run away with my husband a few times this summer and each time it reminded me how important it is to share the little details from the day. The funny, or not that funny observations and daily occurrences that you so much feel like sharing when you’re first in love. So even if you’re not running off on a trip, and you’re just running away downstairs….do it!
2. Mothers all over the world are a TRIBE
2. Mothers all over the world are a TRIBESummer is the perfect time to observe kids and their moms anywhere because most likely the kids are in limited care or school programs and the fams are on vacation or at the community pool. I was not with my kids that much during my travels this year and naturally my attention turned to moms and their children when we were away as I pictured my kids with me. What struck me the most here is how we (mothers) are all the same in our love and attention, no matter where you are in the world. The fastidious attention to safety and “have they eaten enough?” concerns are mutually inclusive. Dads are great, but the common denominator of care is the mother. I felt so much less lonely on this motherhood journey to see other moms tending to tantrums, ensuring the kid had the floatation device on properly or had finished their sandwich. That love, and that humanity gave me back a lot of hope! Like my good friend, who is also a psychologist (and my defacto shrink, poor girl) always tells me the same thing when I tell her about my mommy worries: “It’s lonely on top”. She means on top of the caring chain and it doesn’t get higher than mom.
3. The Power of Prayer
Along those lines, I had a really rough summer in terms of worrying about my kids. Ironically, sometimes it felt easy to go away on trips and leave them at home since all the little details of what could go wrong were out of mind. There were some things that happened that were close calls and everyday things that could’ve been big awful things that I carry with me everyday, and shake me. This took such a toll that I lost a significant amount of hair, possibly a 1/4 or 1/3 (I had a lot to lose), and for once in my life I felt like I had no control of my body or my feelings. A lot of moms reached out to me after a particular post and shared struggles to manage their anxiety about their kids too. It was cathartic and very special to feel understood, but more than anything I realized that the only thing that truly gets me through good times and bad, is prayer and God. I’m not a spirituality blogger, but just want to share how much having find something to believe in carries me. When I get away from spirituality, my life starts derailing and then there I am again realizing the answers are in front of me in my faith. A wonderful person suggested that before I get out of bed (and hopefully before the kids jump me) that I ask God to help me use my gifts and be of service to him. To ask Him to use me and have purpose. Likewise, when I go to bed, instead of focusing on big picture gratitude to grateful for, to instead focus on seemingly insignificant things that warmed my heart from the day and treasure them. As the beautiful sayings go: “Do little things with great love” and “The little things are big things”.
4. The wind in our hair
When my husband and I were in Stockholm we took a boat tour and there were all walks of life on that boat. When the ship began sail many people, including us, were gathered at the front tip of the boat where not only could we see everything, but felt the breeze the strongest. The initial group stayed on for about 10 minutes, in love with the novelty and views. About 15 minutes in, some people began leaving and so on a so forth. Then I realized the majority of people still standing and on the edge of the boat were women including me. My husband had sat down while I remained and enjoyed the breeze on my dress, on my face, even my (according to me) increasingly thinning hair. I had been stressing about having less hair while taking for granted feeling the wind in my hair nearly everyday there’s a breeze. I wish I would’ve taken a picture of all of us women standing on the ledge; young, old, women in burqas, bald ladies, women with canes and wheelchairs. However, no matter where we come from or what we believe in, I sense that all women crave feeling free and we find it in different ways. For me that’s dancing, laughing with my kids and putting outfits together. For others, it might be not getting married, not having children, leaving their country, or changing careers. Perhaps for all of us, it’s feeling the wind in our hair or bald head.
5. Never look back
There has been a lot of changes lately and more coming my way. Most of it is really good, even so, it’s not easy. Today I was contemplating some of these with my mother who is one of the most fearless creatures I know. She has left many things behind at different points in her life, she has made hard calls and bold choices. So while she listened I expected to indulge me in self-pity or empathy but instead just said; “Close the door, open the one that flew open and never look back.”
A quick note about my outfit! This was my absolute favorite of the summer and hope I can wear it again next summer. For dreamy outfits, check out www.loveshackfancy.com!
Here’s to next summer! XO, Z
All photography by Frank Rocco, New York City