Life lessons from Gram

Background

When I picked out this dress a couple of weeks ago, I knew I would be seeing Gram soon and gave myself a self-congratulatory smile picturing her approval. She favored neutrals, especially a good white or gold/camel and black combo, knits and classic silhouettes. Gram was known for her impeccable taste both in what she wore & how she decorated her homes. She appreciated a good outfit and loved seeing “her kids” dressed up, especially us girls. She didn’t impose her personal style on us but she seemed to believe it was important to make an effort. That was one of the first things I felt I had in common with her. Even in the last week of her life at 86, fighting several things at once, she did not miss her hair appointment or accessories.

Before I met Betty Ann Boccacino, I had heard tons about her through her grandson, my husband (then boyfriend). Armed with information and pictures of her, I felt nervous but ready to meet her and labeled her accordingly, as one of those “really cool grandmothers”. The kind that I didn’t have because I didn’t get to meet one, and the other also left too soon. However, nothing prepared me for when I did meet her and I realized my label had fallen short, she was not a “really cool grandmother”, she was a living legend. Her style, energy, how she endearingly spoke to you (Zeeb, for me) and everyone else made you realize she was and always had been an “it girl”. My starstruck daze didn’t last too long though because of her disarming kindness. She quickly made me her granddaughter… Betty Boc, was my grandmother.

She went through life praised for her beauty and she entered the room as someone used to the accolades of genetic gifts; electric & confident. But this post isn’t about her physical beauty, it’s about the beauty that survives her passing last weekend, her heart and mind. Her legacy.

A real influencer

The term influencer is fairly new, but when I think of someone with real influence, it’s not us strangers online. Influencers are people we really know in our lives. It is beyond the daily inspiration or where to get this or that, trackable sales and products, it’s someone that you see live in a way that is not for instant gratification but for something far bigger than themselves. The OG Influencer.

The Round Table

Whenever we went out to dinner with Gram, even the usual 10+ people, she would try to get the round table. She loved that everyone would be included in the conversation and you could talk to whomever you liked. She would usually procure the round table because she knew and had befriended either the establishment owner, host,
maî·tre d or all of the above. She didn’t do it for special treatment. Gram did it because relationships were so important to her, and she wanted to talk face to face and feel connected to everyone at the table.

Family Dinners

Dinners were incredibly important to her. They would usually kick off at about 5 PM with heavy hors d’oeuvres and cocktails. This was a chance for all of us to unwind and have one on one and small group conversations. This importance of dinner, especially Sunday dinner and dinners while on holiday is something that her daughter Michele, my MIL, my husband, and all of his brothers really hold to heart.

For me, this was a huge culture shock. Not because our family didn’t love family dinners, but because growing up I usually had dinner in the car out of a Tupperware running to and from ballet. Now, I embrace these long family dinners full of good food and a feeling of belonging. I hope to continue to carry that torch with my kids and have them look forward to spending that time bonding with us and their extended family.

Your Pretty Day

Every now and again, Gram would come up to you and say, “Honey, it’s your pretty day”. The first time I got that, I didn’t realize how much it meant to everyone else and how much it came to mean to me as well. My interpretation is that she wanted to make you feel special for the day (usually these were distributed at dinner). Maybe she wanted to draw a distinction that you had put some effort in and therefore seemed effortlessly lovely that day. It was equally given to the men in the family, and indeed whomever got the compliment felt and did look exceptionally lovely that day.

Not everyone was a winner

I think what I also liked about it was that just because you heard her to tell someone it was their “pretty day”, didn’t mean you’d get a pity pretty day. If you didn’t get it that day, you didn’t get it and I think that’s so important nowadays in an “everyone gets a trophy” culture. Gramps, her husband, also had a similar system that involved ranking his grand kids right in front of their faces for the week. I love that old school, tough love mentality of not everyone is a winner ALL THE TIME.

Once You’re In, You’re In

I think this is one of the most important lessons I ever learned from Gram. If one of her kids, chose to marry someone they were immediately hers as well. It didn’t matter what your background was or that she probably would’ve chosen someone else… you were in and she accepted you.

What did it mean to be in with her? She loved you and would do anything for you. She would make sure to fight for you and her kid to stay together forever. This wasn’t just from my observation, she would tell you so. She was never going to cause any unnecessary tension by creating love disparity or not accepting someone. How many families do we all know that are torn apart by this refusal of acceptance of who one person might chose to marry or be with? This is the core of who she was, keep the family close, keep them together, and fight for it.

Take Care of Each Other

Which leads me to her last words to me the last time I saw her and each time I said good-bye. She would hold my face and say, “Honey, take care of yourself and take care of each other”. She would then turn to my husband and say the same thing. The way in which she said it was so ardent. It felt almost like she was pleading with us to do what she had done for all of us for so long. She took care of us. I know that I say that to my kids now when I leave them. I know that I will always look at my husband and think I have to take care of you. LOL. Michele, my MIL, having shared this with her called me today and said I forgot to tell you….”Take Care of Each Other”.

Energy & Gratitude

All of these beautiful lessons that came from her will live on because of all the energy she took to pass them on to us. Everything that is important takes energy; a career, staying in a relationship, raising kids, adding a pet, writing a note to tell someone you’re thinking of them, meeting the owner of the restaurant, smiling and saying hello, talking about things that matter. Betty did all these things day in an day out. That’s why she meant so much to so many and why my life will never be the same because of her.

Her Impact

But forget me, so many people’s lives that I don’t even know, won’t be the same because of her. She had SO MUCH energy for life and communicating what was important, and was so grateful for her life and her family. She said it out loud. Often. That is so important. I don’t think her life was perfect, but she made it perfect by giving God thanks and being in a relationship with him every day. I know she’s with him now and she is looking down at her legacy and in her humility not even fully realizing her reach.

In conclusion

My husband and I did not get to say goodbye, we missed her by a few hours on our way to her. If I feel the way I do, I cannot imagine what he must feel. Having loved her his whole life and she all of his. I felt so badly about missing her, more for him than I. However, my mother told me something that comforted me and hopefully him as well, “During her life, he was the best grandson he could be to her while she was still here; he called, spent time with her, visited her, and shared how he felt with her… while she was alive… and that’s what really matters.” I agree with my mom. He really was the best grandson, he is cut from the same wonderful cloth.

We love you so much Gram. Thank you for making me your granddaughter and allowing me too, to be cut from your cloth. -Your Zeeb