Working mom guilt is real. I was recently talking to my cousin, a new mom, about the catch 22 of being a working mom and I was struck at how many of us despite background or pedigree feel the same. We agreed that if we stayed at home full-time we would miss careers that we worked so hard to get. However, when we worked we felt guilty. I want to preface this post by saying that I strongly believe that ALL mamas are working moms. The work that’s done at home is extremely important and we all have to show up for it for our family to flourish. It’s typically thankless and not very glamorous. Fortunately, I sense a rise of pride and purpose in this work on social media when it comes to child rearing and the job of “mommying” and I’m grateful for the tribe!
Work life vs. Mom life
Before having kids, like many of us, I worked really hard on having a career. I don’t remember a time when I was not working. First as a dancer as teen, then a dance teacher, eventually business internships, business school, corporate jobs, and finally to opening up MaZi Dance Fitness. I never really stopped to think about where kids would fit in or how that all would “go down”. The fact is I never even pictured having kids, I was not certain I wanted any. It seemed like to much work. Ha. I was right! Therefore, I didn’t have a plan on what would happen when I became a mom let alone a working mom. And frankly, even if you do have a “plan”, it probably won’t pan out as you think it will.
My experience with motherhood
Motherhood is tough. It turns you inside out and you emerge as a stronger, more humble, wiser version of yourself. At the point I had my first child, I had already had a business for 4 years and not only that, I am an artist. I caveat that because artists are a different breed. We need space to dream, suffer, absorb, create and mother our craft. Artists, like high-powered career women, cannot picture how a child will fit in their life and I cannot blame them.
My own family and husband were a bit unsure of how Ziba, the mama, would transpire. Luckily for them and my kids, my babies are the center of my life and I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to pick your passion/career or your motherhood. You can do both, and you can do many other things too. Like the wise saying goes, “You can do it all, but not all at once.” These are some things that help me compartmentalize my work life and my mom life and move past the working mom guilt. If you need ideas or doubt that you too can handle a career and babies, I hope this helps!
1. Trust your gut
I’ll start with the toughest one for me. Listen to your inner voice. If I’m at work and I’m wondering if my kids are ok at school or with whomever, then I’m not going to be productive. This one has been really tough for me. I worry so much about what could go wrong at school especially with all the gun violence and 100 other things that could go wrong.
Once I went back to my son’s school after dropping him off because when I got in the car I realized that his school smelled slightly of gas. So I had the school staff check it out and call the fire department. Everything was fine, it was just the stove in the kitchen that had been turned on and apparently that’s how it smells. I could’ve gone back home and thought of it all day making me unproductive or I could just go with my gut, be late to starting my day and have them check it out. Of course in retrospect I feel silly that I had them do that, but what if it had been a gas leak? That question would’ve driven me crazy all day and I wouldn’t have been productive.
Likewise, if I have someone watching them and I feel like I need to call and ask or remind them about a safety concern I drop everything and do it because otherwise I will get nothing done and my imagination will get the best of me. If you’re not a parent and reading this then you probably think this sounds extreme! Everything changes when you have those kiddos, you become a protector and even if not to the extent, these things will cross your mind.
2. Be present
Another really hard one! This one is so tough because you think you can just write an email real quick when you’re with your kids or check this or that, but kids notice these things. Being present and fully engaged when you have that time with your kids is key to moving past working mom guilt because they remember those moments.
One really disheartening moment with my kids was when I realized that they associate me with my phone. They both constantly bring me my phone if they find it lying around because they feel that mommy needs it… like a pacifier! How awful. I try to put my phone out of sight a lot unless I want to capture them in a picture. Their mood is instantly brighter when I’m not checking Instagram or my inbox and just hunker down and play with them. And why wouldn’t I? Already I can’t believe how much they’ve grown. I know the days of them wanting me around ALL the time are numbered, so I want to take it in while I can.
3. Accept that done is better than perfect!
Many times I feel that I’m half-assing my work and my kids. I’m the mom that forgets snack day and conference day, you get the picture. 😉 I’m also the business owner that misses emails and networking as much as I should. I have mostly made peace with it. You just can’t beat yourself up every day for not being perfect and being able to do everything. I work 7 days a week most weeks. We do the best that we can.
There are many mamas out there that have it together way more than I and they inspire me, they really do, but I’m never going to be them and that’s ok! I lean on them. There are some moms at my kids’ schools that gently carry me at times and I’m so grateful for that. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. We hear that a lot and we think we are living it until we are crying for help.
4. Going Steady
Some will disagree with this point, but I have decided that I’m not going to make huge moves and take over the world at this stage in my kid’s lives. In fact, I may make my world a little smaller by choice. Some day, really soon they will be older and need me less. There will be a chance for me to go HARD at my career endeavors. Right now I only want to PLAY hard, with them. I’m not shuttering things up or limiting all opportunities but I’ve had to make peace with letting things go steady for now. I go for what I feel in my gut are the biggest pay-offs and I try my best to ward off the working mom guilt that sometimes creeps in. For some mamas, this is not an option, either because of an inner drive or economic situation at home. It all comes down to doing what’s right for you.
5. The only constant is change
From the moment we get pregnant, the change never stops coming. This is the most beautiful thing about being a mom, you have to keep going with the flow. You may think you’re going to stay at home with the kids but then get a job offer you can’t refuse. On the other hand, you may think that you’re going to build an empire but realize you’re gonna miss your kids growing up. There are no right answers. The key is finding a balance that works for you and not allowing working mom guilt to takeover.
I see some mamas that adore their kids, but get more fulfillment in traveling for business than going to the school play. The most important thing is to do what makes YOU happy. One day your kids will leave you and will take some of your best years with them. Who are you going to be when that happens? The answer is different for all of us. The best we can do is be gentle with ourselves and our mama tribe. XO, Z
Click here for some tips for new moms and here for ways to get promoted in your career life!